THE RED LEUKEMIA SHIRT

April 08, 2004 | 5:32pm

Everyone has a comment about this shirt — and that’s what I love. No one can resist asking, "Did you really help Lukemia?" Actually, they’ll ask once, but after they find out I picked it up at a used clothing store, they get hostile. Like a crazy gorilla or a trailer park fighting over government cheese they shout,"You never helped Leukemia! Look Buddy, he’s wearing a shirt promoting something he never did." Then there are those, who freak out when I wear it. They selectively read the top two lines omitting the "Society of America" party. "Oh, no! You helped leukemia? That’s so mean! You’re killing people!"

These folks don’t even say, "hello," much less greet me with any kind of cordial salutation when I wear the infamous red shirt. However, they’ll forget about it at the end of the day and until I wear it again at which time the vicious cycle will repeat itself.

Fortunately, this is the only shirt of mine that gets people angry, but I do love the attention. My other shirts elicit a more congenial response.

I don’t care about labels, in fact I like saving the money I’d spend on expensive rags for a big fat jack and coke at the lesbian bar. For me a shirt must meet the following criteria:
1) Flatter my arms, skin color, and face
2) Contain an interesting message or color
3) Evoke a response such as: I love your shirt!, Pretty!, Cute!, Hot!, Sexy!, Can I buy you a drink?, or my personal favorite: You’re hot, you should come over. I live in Tempe at … How fast can you be here?"
But back to the shirts…

I acquire unusual and unique shirts. They’re sexy on me, although they might not be flattering on too many people, especially fat people (Yoanna). When I bought my new favorite shirt (the orange High School Jock tee shown above) some dude said, "That shirt is very you." Well, I hope so, I’m not trying to be anyone else. I thanked him for his comment. The real coup happened when I bought the Stud Ranch shirt, I got a thumbs up from a cute and sexy fashion maven I’ve always admired.

The hard part is finding said shirts. Second hand stores provide lots of junk and little substance. You have to comb through EVERTHING and that takes multiple research trips. Mainstream trendy stores are expensive and you run the risk of buying something other kids will wear to the Biz on Thursday.

So if you see a shirt that looks good on you – buy it! Don’t buy an Abercrombie shirt because it’s Abercrombie and even if it doesn’t fit, at least you’ll advertise that you dropped $40 to look that way. Rather, buy the Abercrombie shirt because it’ll group you into the boring no-personality clone cute boy category — unless it’s pink of course. No self-respecting guy buys pink without thinking of social consequences. And since you had a semi-intelligent thought regarding color theory, then you’ll automatically be cute and edgy and nothing’s sexier than a nerd-chic man wearing a picture of a horse.