AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL MOCKUMENTARY

March 16, 2004 | 11:04 pm

Next weekend is my second annual big gay weekend. It’ll star Michael, Merce, and myself. Last year, I vacationed with my gay brothers (yes, plural). It was honorably named "Festival of Sin and Debauchery 2003." In one weekend I’ve never been to SO. MANY. GAY. BARS. There was like eight, I lost count and I was intoxicated. It was very convenient, though — you could stumble from one bar to the next and still be able to walk home in the morning. I also discovered Michelob Ultra, "for the beautiful svelte gay man!" Fuck that, I’m all muscle now. Give me something in a pitcher that I need to hold with both hands. Better yet, give me two guys and I’ll do something else with my hands.

Anyway, next weekend will be dubbed "Binge and Purge 2004."

We’ll be eating the locals and spitting them back out in honor of America’s Next Top Model. We’ll also be donning the names Shandi (That’s me! Nerd chic turned garden variety whore in just six months.), Yoanna (Michael, the fat cow that’s not really fat, but you’re a model so 120lbs is like heifer weight.), and Merce-des (Merce). Merce doesn’t know he’s Mercedes yet. I think he hates her, but come on, the name fits, man!

Besides his nickname for me at the gym is Thumper, so consider this retribution. He could take on the alias of April, I suppose. But it all depends on who gets booted tonight. Watch it on UPN, a second show is at 7pm this Wednesday.

We’re going to film a mockumentary of America’s Next Top Model in Colorado. I’ll be Shandi who cheats on his boyfriend or in this case...

Scene One: Shandi on the phone to boyfriend back home.
Boyfriend: Hi!
Shandi: hi…guess what…
Boyfriend: What? What’s going on?
Shandi: i did something…
Boyfriend: What? Tell me.
Shandi: *sob* I did the worst possible thing…
Boyfriend: WHAT?
Shandi: *sob*
Boyfriend: What? YOU BOUGHT CAPRI PANTS?
Shandi: yes *sob*
Boyfriend: HOW COULD YOU? YOU BITCH! I HATE YOU.
Shandi: *sob*
Boyfriend: *sob* I’m going to hang up now.

Scene Two: Shandi, Mercedes, Yoanna, and April meet the judges and Tyra Banks at the end of the show.
Tyra Banks: I only hold three Polaroids in my hands. *sniffle* Those girls will go on towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. If I don’t call your name, you must leave immediately and go into the next room where you’ll cry in front of the camera while the thin remaining girls stare at the fuck’n hot ass muthafuckan judge Nigel Barker. Shandi you’re first. Let’s take a look at your Polaroid.

Janice, the self-proclaimed"first supermodel": Oh my god, you look like a cheap whore. I love it. She’s in.

Jay Manuel "really gay Latin boy with platinum hair/Tyra’s best friend": Janice, you bitch. I disagree, she’s looks like an affordable hooker. She’s out.

Nigel "muthafuck’n cute photographer who always wears the same shirt, but who the fuck cares because he’s like really hot, right": I like her ass, it’s sexy. But it’s just not working for me. She’s out.

Fat judge who always caries around that fuck’n miniature dog: She looks like she’s drowning in a vat of her own vomit. I loved working with her. She’s in.

Scene Three: After being kicked off the show, April heads out of the room.
April: *sob* I can’t believe I lost. I always win. I can’t go back to being a brilliant Asian businesswoman; it was killing me. I want to dress in mini-skirts and analyze every move I make to the camera. I want to tilt my head three degrees to the right but not four, because that’s too much. I want to wear size 5.2 shoes because they fit just right, unless they’re Jimmy Choos, which means I’ll need a 5 — they run small. I have to call my cab to get the airport, which is 11.6 miles away. I wonder if UPN pays for that, I guess I could get a receipt and deduct it from my taxes. Which reminds me, I only gave the cab driver a 16% tip last time he drove and he was nice. So, I think I’ll pay him 17% this time… Blah, blah blah, I’m so fuck’n mechanical. Too bad the Asian girl didn’t win, that would’ve been cool. Oh wait, I was the Asian chick, duh, I have almond shaped eyes, only I never realized I was Asian, because my dad is white and I thought no one would notice. What took me so long to figure that out? By the way, do these eyes make me look fat?