AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL WEB-CAM BOYS ON GAY.COM

February 26, 2004 9:14pm

Dear web-cam boys:

On behalf of all guys trying to hook-up with other guys, I must ask that you refrain from your sneaky and unwanted advertising in ALL Gay.com chat rooms.

Oh, I’m sure you're aware of the lies and deceit you spread. How you defile the ecstasy of having a cute guy instant message another guy only to be one of your robotic auto-responders and not a real person is inhumane. Your handy work is this:

(Scenario One: I log on to the Gay.com chat room Phoenix1 looking for cute boys to potentially meet IN PERSON.)

Instant Message from HottieASU21
HottieASU21: hey…
Me: hi. Nice photo. You have an amazing chest. Wait, is that the Seattle Space Needle outside your window?
HottieASU21: visit me and my friends at www.geocities.com/hottieasu21
Me: no web cam boys!

(Scenario Two: I log out of Phoenix1 and go into Phoenix2.)

Instant Message from Seanboy22
Seanboy22: hi.
Me: hey, man nice pic.
Seanboy22: watch me jerk off my 9.5’’ cock at www.geocities.com/seanboy22
Me: Not again! No webcam boys!

Instant Message from Kristof_and_Johan23
Kristof_and_Johan23: hey man
Me: oh, hi. Are you watching American Idol on that TV behind you?
Kristof_and_Johan23: see our big thick packages at www.geocities.com/ Kristof_and_Johan23

Instant Message from HottieASU21:
HottieASU21: hey…
Me: Come on! STOP SPAMMING ME! You just IMed me in the other room two minutes ago. Please stop it!
HottieASU21: visit me and my friends at www.geocities.com/hottieasu21

So, as you can see, you’re a constant pain. Sure I fell for it the first few times. I’d copy your link into my browser and read your cookie cutter bio. It’s written better than anything I’ve ever written because it comes from a copywriter in New York that gets paid big money to come up with creative and entertaining profiles which you then cut and paste onto your own site. Plus, the copywriter has an English degree from Stanford, and you’re um obviously only 19 years old and lazy. I know because you don’t have any facial hair, you don’t use Upper Case, and you respond to everyone with "hey" as your salutation.

The geocities website is a clever idea, I’ll give you that. By giving me the indication that your photos are on a free web space, I have to look — ‘cause it’s like free, right? But after I read your bio, I find a link to a webcam software download page. It’s "free" software that’s required in order to view your webcam site. And by free it means "free" with any credit card number. How stupid do you think I am?

So I enter my credit card number …

Aarrgh! It gets worse. You’ve jaded me from chatting with other boys in the beautiful man vat that is Gay.com. Oh yes you’re very tricky.

(Scenario Three: I log into Pheonix1 on Gay.com and I’m bombarded with eight instant messages.)

Instant Message from ASUbrad22:
ASUbrad22: Hi.
Me: NO WEBCAM BOYS!
ASUbrad22: lol, I’m not a webcam boy.
Me: OH! I’m sorry. you’re profile said 5’11" 140 abs. Plus you have a really hot photo.
ASUbrad22: thankx.
ASUbrad22: I want to drop those gym shorts you’re wearing. you look like a big guy!
Me: lol, maybe you’ll get to see it sometime.
Me: seriously though, I’m really tired of all the pop up ads. it seems like really cute guys are ALL webcam boys.
Me: except you of course.
ASUbrad22: lol, thankx.
ASUbrad22: I hate webcam boys!
Me: Me, too! Actually, I really don’t care if you’re a webcam guy or not, I just hate the constant instant message pop ups that say "come visit me at geocities … blah, blah, blah"
ASUbrad22: nice profile. I like your responses.
Me: hey thanks. I don’t really remember what I says. wait, you actually read it?
ASUbard22: lol, yeah.
ASUbrad22: so without sounding like a horny bastard, what are you into?
Me: Horny bastards.
Me: lol, jk
ASUbrad22: lol!
ASUbrad22: I’m versatile, but I like to bttm more.
(Okay, this is getting pretty personal. Please excuse me for a minute while I get this guy’s phone number. Thanks.)

I understand that automated responses to every person who enters a chat room is convenient advertising. But it’s also very impersonal. If you really want me to sign up for your site, you’re going to have to show me some personality along with that perfect hair, abs, and chest you already display with ease. And you guys are in the chat rooms 24 hours a day! You could at least randomize your response. I know because you’re there when I leave and you’re always in the Phoenix1 chat room when I go back. The chat room can only hold 99 people, and twelve of you are always the same!

I’m on Gay.com to find hot men to come to my house. Why would I pay to see your body on my computer screen when I can see the real thing on my bed, floor, or kitchen sink? Besides, I have three giant black trash bags full of porn at in my closet and one really steamy video with Tyler Gunn that’s always in the VCR ... ummmm … porn! But where was I? Oh yeah, at least they don’t have to re-buffer every five seconds in grainy screen resolution.

Once again, please stop spamming the gay public with your sites. You guys are changing the landscape of chat rooms into a cold impersonal advertising market away from the cold impersonal meat market that it has always been. Call me a traditionalist, but I like my chat rooms populated with real bona-fide slutty guys. When I log in, I like to see nine instant messages from REAL people pop up on my screen. I like talking with REAL guys who can be over within the hour. I like the attention and adoration I get from other REAL hopeless people who instant message me because I’m cuter than they are.

So, um, how do I sign up for my own site and where do I get the nifty auto-responder software that spams everyone when they enter the chat room?

Sincerely,
Lonnie