A BUCKET OF BEER for tyra

February 24, 2004 | 10:28pm

There comes a time in a gay man’s life when something so monumental happens and the world around him completely changes — for the better. In this case two magnanimous things events occurred so I figure that rates up pretty high like the legalization of gay marriage or finding Bin Laden.

The first is the world premiere of Tyra Bank’s first music video, "Shake Ya Body." Produced by Rodney Jerkins known to ghetto clubs and MTV as Dark Child, the track pulses with the same hip-hop dance flare that made Destiny’s Child and Whitney Houston into top club anthem artists. The music video displays the remaining six women featured on the reality show America’s Next Top Model. Sadly, Sara (the girl I was rooting for) was sent packing after the shoot in the most dramatic episode yet. Even Tyra cried. Hold on while a take a moment to myself…

Okay, I couldn’t take a moment with Mr. Banks cooing shake ya body, body over and over on my iTunes playlist.

Naturally, I TiVoed (and by TiVoed I mean taped on my 13'' TV/VCR combo) and learned the required steps Sara, Mercedes, Yoanna, Shandy, April, and Camille had to learn for this weeks competition. Modeling is more than just striking a pose, it’s how you move. Photographer/Judge/Hot Ass Stud Nigel said that on the show tonight. Sigh…Nigel.

I’ll use the learned choreography next time I go to Club Paco Paco, because that — my friends — is where the next earth-shattering event is taking place.

At Paco, Paco — get this — you can order a bucket a beer. I’m not talking about a big pitcher o’ beer, oh no. If you order "the bucket" you get a metallic container displaying five beers, each with it’s own lime, cooling in a bed of crushed ice. For. Five. Dollars. There’s more: the beers are incredibly cute and have taken on the term midgets. Eight ounces of alcohol and barley big enough to fit in you hand; the bucket of beer is the most popular drink order in the bar. They could still fuck me up, though. Eight ounces of beer in me is roughly the equivalent of a Three Wise Men shot to a normal college student. And there’s four more!

What follows is a transcript that occurred last Friday between Merce (pronounced MER-see) and our favorite and only lesbian bar tender Maricella! (Pronounced mah-ree-SELL-ah! And always with an exclamation point at the end.)

Merce: Hey Maricella! What’s with the buckets?
Maricella: I don’t know. We loose money on them, but everyone seems to love them.
Merce: How many do you have?
(Looking for the wall of stacked buckets, Merce follows Maricella’s gaze…)
Maricella: Twelve.
Merce: So what happens when more people want them?
Maricella: We have to wait for a bucket to come back. That’s why we only do it on Friday and Sunday nights.
Merce: Has anyone tried to steel them?
Maricella: No. We have guys watching them.
Merce: Hey, we’re gonna go dance! Can you watch our midgets?

Okay, enough about beer and Tyra Banks, let’s talk about me. I wouldn’t leave before telling you I gained five and half pounds of muscle already. And according to the recent test — performed on me by Christian, the new hottie trainer at my gym — my body fat percentage dropped a few points. Yay, I’m pretty! Rejoice.