THE COMPLETE FAGGOT’S GUIDE: TO HOT PHONE SEX

February 3, 2004 | 12:41pm

I wasn’t shocked when I had phone sex with another guy. I had seen it in movies — husbands and wives trying to keep the spark alive, young couples in love chatting across the continents, and of course Girl Number Six making boys scream for money on a 1-900 line — but had never anticipated that it would appear in my life.

With that I now have to confess that my new favorite sex toy is a standard issue, black, T-Mobile Motorola flip phone free with any purchase of a T-Mobile calling plan. It’s sleek, small enough to fit in the palm of my hand, yet powerful enough to jolt chills down my spine and yank pants off my ankles. Once again boys, it’s all in how you use the tool, especially the glossy black ones.

And when it comes to sex and other guys steer clear of cliché phases. My heart goes out the guy in a bar saying, "My partner and I have recently discussed the possibility of a three-way." Not interested! Sex should be X-rated. Grab me, put your arm around my back, push me into a wall and demand something like, "Sit on my dick, boy. See that guy over there? You’re gonna fuck him while my cock’s between your legs." Hypothetically speaking of course, because come on - I’m a good little boy. Nonetheless, I have six tips to share with you on how to have hot phone sex with your T-Mobile Motorola standard issue free phone or any telecommunication device of your choice. (Just make sure it’s clean before and after you use it.) Good luck!

Step 1: Recognition.

The phone rings, you’re talking about sports or current movies and the topic heads a little south. Don’t panic! You’ve just stumbled into a phone sex conversation, so go with the flow. Remember to stay away from clichés, instead of saying, "What are you wearing?" say "What kind of shirt do you have on?" Clichés will identify the act and you’ll just laugh at them anyway.

Step 2: Details.

Find out the basics of their surroundings and offer a few details of your own to create an atmosphere of intimacy. In cases like this it’s okay to lie, so don’t really tell them you’re wearing baggy gray sweat pants and a black D.A.R.E t-shirt. Come to think of it, don’t ever wear baggy gray sweat pants or a black D.A.R.E t-shirt.

Step 3: Take control.

Order your bitch man around. Tell him what to do and how to do it. Guys love being bossed around. Don’t let their baseball-playing-beer-drinking-punk-ass demeanors fool you. Hell, always assume the guy you’re on the phone with ("phone sex guy" from here on out) is a bottom. You’ll be surprised how many will offer that tight butt. If they don’t — hey — you’ve found a reliable top for future reference. You never know when they might come in handy or when their services will be needed.

Here’s an example of Step 3: Take control:

(Note: You already know phone sex guy has gray and green American Eagle boxers with a gray long-sleeved shirt as learned from Step 2.)

You: Take the boxers off.
Phone Sex Guy (PSG): Okay. Where should I put them?
*Ha, ha. He’s wipped!*
You: Off the bed - on the floor.
PSG: Okay, they’re on the floor.
You: Take off your shirt.
PSG: Hold on … okay it’s off.
You: Throw it across the room!
PSG: What? Oh, I already put it next to my boxers.
You: Damnit, Kendal! Only do what I tell you to do.

Okay, so everything isn’t going to work out exactly how you wanted it. Again, this is totally hypothetical situation and has never once happened to me. I’m strictly the tour guide here, not the participant. However, go with the flow and never seam distant or unsure of yourself. Sex is confidence. Repeat with me, "Sex is confidence."

Step 4: Switch the scenario and be specific.

You know phone sex guy is naked and happy lying down on his bed. Keep the intensity up by changing it up a bit. Create a scenario where you two are together. You’re still bossing him around, fit yourself into his room. Describe how you’re touching him, pleasuring him, getting him hot. Tell him to turn around, kneel on his bed with his head down on the pillow and that your hand is pushing his face down. Detail how the front of your thighs feels against the back of his. If his voice becomes muffled and uncommunicative, he’s probably just following your orders and will soon pass out from lack of oxygen. Don’t kill him though — have him take his head out of the pillow, he can’t talk on the phone in that position anyway. Men are sexy, but they ain't all that bright at times.

Step 5: Breathe.

I once pissed off my personal trainer when she asked me if I knew how to breathe. I said, "Stupid bitch, of course, I do. I do yoga." That didn’t go over too well and she kicked my ass. Now I understand that all she ment was that everyone forgets to breathe when their concentrating on something potentially stressful. So I pass on to you the lesson of breath. Breathe heavily. Let him hear you. It’s also a simple but effective way to show that you care. Okay, fuck that. You’re just trying to get off, too and breathing heavily will increase your heart rate leading to a wonderfully gratifying climax. You’re so self-centered! Alas …

Step 6: Finish.

Hang up the phone. It’s the equivalent of leaving without cuddling. Just kidding, man. Step 6 is all about the climax. Let him know it’s okay to finish. Don’t let him get off the first time he gets close though, you have the control remember? Right? Of course you do! Let him finish the second time he asks and then finish up yourself.

There you have it. You Yams’s definitive guide to Hot Phone Sex. Remember, phone sex should never replace real sex or cheap hookers, use it only in dire emergencies of horniness or if you live in Apache Junction. And if there was one thing I learned in my exhausting days of research into this topic, it wasn't that phone sex is awkward, unfulfilling, and ultimately lonely but that my standard issue black T-Mobile Motorola flip phone never once died or ran out of juice. And that’s just sexy, motherfuck'n sexy.