BEEN THERE SHOULD’VE DONE THAT:
TIPS FOR MAKING THE MOST OF BEING GAY

January 20, 2004 | 9:41pm

I’ve been out for ten fuck’n years. I started the coming out process when I was fourteen, and although I turned twenty-three just a few months ago, I think I have enough retrospect to give a little advice on being gay. It’s been a decade and that makes me an expert on the matter. So think of this blog as a Been There, Should’ve Done That: Tips For Making the Most of Being Gay kinda book.

A bathhouse isn’t necessarily a house or a place to take baths.

If you’re cute and somewhat bright, the world is completely open to you. We hate those people. If you’re not so cute then you’ve got to be a radiant and funny individual–and then work on becoming cute.

Super glue packages must be punctured before the glue is released. Flip the cap off and use the back (and very pointy) side of the bottle cap. DO NOT try using your keys to punch in the hole while talking on the phone—in your car—while waiting for your friend to show up, so you can then go swimsuit shopping. In fact, just stay away from super glue all together, it’s for professionals or lesbians only.

Do you what you love. Or in my case, get paid in porn and really close parking to your office and kick ass fast computer.

Join a gay sport. No, not figure skating or gymnastics but, team sports. It’s as close as you’ll ever come to joining a frat. There’s plenty of beer, after game parties, really hot guys, and sex when you want it.

You can be gay and not have sex. If someone asks, "How can you be sure you’re gay if you’re not even sleeping with anyone." Kindly explain that having someone connected to you twenty-four hours a day is kind of distracting and probably illegal in public places.

Be yourself. If that means hugging your friends when you see them, then do so. Don’t feel awkward when showing attention to your loved ones. Unless they’re in jail–you’ve got to have some street smarts.

A fake I.D. is a must have. Get over the bar "thing" at least two years before you’re twenty-one. That way, the twenty-first year of your life isn’t a total blank. It also helps if you come from a Latino family with like fifty brothers that all look like you, some are bound to be older and the odds are in your favor that no one will notice.

Don’t lie about your age (unless you’re lying about being older, see above). A twenty-three year old is just as cute, sexy, smart, and fuckable than any six-teen year old. Besides, you’ll get caught one day when you get drilled on these three questions, liars always fuck up the last one:

Busted! You’ve just lost your underage trick!

Dating older guys is okay. Dating guys ten years older than you can be a problem. I mean come on, if the older dude acts like a little kid and mentally/emotionally you’re the same age, he’s not right for you. Listen to your friends. Listen to your family. Listen to his family. Don’t say they didn’t warn you.

Mandy Moore is the key to eternal youth. Watch all of here movies and you’ll stay young forever.

Don’t be afraid to cry in movies. Be more afraid of sucking in that lower lip when you cry ‘cause that shit’s really loud in a quite theatre.

Gay.com and AOL chat rooms are perfectly good places to meet potential dates. Just remember to be courteous. No pic, no chat! Comprenedes? Okay, fine just do everyone a favor and have one handy to email. The excuse "I don’t have one" is bullshit and dishonest.

If you stumble into a park with banners that say "USE A CONDOM!" and all the girls are like really pretty, then you’re at a pride festival. Laugh later when you get home, how were you suppose to know?

If you dad stumbles into a park and tells you that all the girls are like really pretty, then you’re at a pride festival. Laugh but don’t tell him that they’re really, like dudes—dude.

If you wear 2xist underwear, then you’re a big ol’ fag. Deal with it and move on, metrosexuality really means you’re a gay hatchling—and that you’ll soon be a big ol’ fag.

Out yourself to someone new once a week. It never gets easier or closer to ending homophobia. It isn’t for political reasons or hospital visitation rights. We’re cheap bastards, outing ourselves once a week brings us closer to tax breaks and being able to register on the Target Bridal Registry. There couldn’t be a higher honor than that. Did you know you get to use a hand-held scanner and you get to scan every frigg’n’ thing you want? Then people have to buy it for you, straight people can be so clever.

Always tip your bartender really well the FIRST time you get a drink, and make eye contact. Your next drink will be twice as strong and you’ll be drunk off you ass in no time. Plus, you’ll still have money to binge at Filibertos when you leave.

Become a professional gay. This includes but not limited to: grant writing for GLBT (that’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender for y’all not in the loop) organizations, reporting for GLBT periodicals, female impersonation, bar tending, hair styling, acting, or having your own T.V. show. Try for the last one if you can, you get all kinds of free shit and you get to meet celebrities.

Tops and bottoms are not weekly specials at Old Navy. If you’re gonna choose one or the other, be the best at it. Practice, practice, practice! If you haven’t done it in a year or so maybe it’s not right for you and you should change your major.

Size doesn’t matter—you’ll only hear small insecure guys or horrible bottoms saying that. Sex isn’t about insecurity, it’s about passion. Sex should use all of your senses, not just sight. That means you’ve gotta touch, taste, and smell good. A little nibbling goes a long way.

Write a letter to yourself but don’t open it up for six years. Not only will you see how far you’ve grown (or not) but you’ll never EVER feel alone again. You’ll also confirm to everyone that you did indeed had a crush on Orlando Bloom before anyone else.

Skip the new Colin Farrel movie and buy a bottle of lube. Breaking open those tiny sample hot-pocket-looking tubes in the dark is like so ghetto. Hell, buy a bottle with a pump. Sure you’ll feel like a whore but that’ll only help your sex life.

Your first dildo should be small. Yes, it might not look like much in the wrapper, but you’ll be sorry you got that 18" tower of power when it becomes a $120 banana holder. Think of them like computers, you’re gonna upgrade anyway.

Use early ballot voting whenever possible. By law, your employer must give you two or three hours to vote. Since you mailed in your vote weeks ago, use this time to go shopping or schedule that hard to get highlight and cut appointment with Nigel at La Bouche.

Take a sweater or some kind of warm clothing item to the movies. The a/c always comes on an hour into the movie and you’ll be forced to cuddle with your bad date from Gay.com.

You’ve never bought porn before, what movie should you spend that $69 dollars? Here’s a quick (and very brief) run down on what you should be looking for—studios.

Joseph Campbell once said, "The virtues of fifty years ago are the vices of today." If homosexuality and your religion just aren’t mixing than modify your beliefs to allow for you happiness and acceptance. Unless it’s like murder or something, that’s like really wrong—that and wearing socks with sandals. It’s just blasphemy and morally wrong.

If you get caught staring at a woman’s husband in line at Trader Joes, don’t be ashamed and look away. Rather, keep his gaze, he might be her gay son visiting from San Diego. Her highlights make it impossible to tell her real age anyway.

Get highlights, then you don’t have to lie about your age. Just remember: blonde hair = blonde highlights; brown hair = brown highlights; brown hair NEVER EQUALS blonde highlights. Who do you think you’re fooling?

Never say you won’t go to a gay event like pride or the American Idol reunion because you have nothing in common with the gay community. For your information, no one does. The gay community is so diverse that only one thing could bind it together: Madonna—I mean dick, or bacon strips if you’re a lesbian. The trick my friend is to find something else that you have in common even if it’s with just a few members of "the gay community" like politics, sports, or your catastrophic irrational attraction to Gloria Estefan.