PARIS HILTON: WHORE AND ROLE MODEL

January 3, 2004 | 9:28pm

It’s going to be an amazing year, I can already sense it! In fact, it just might beat last year which was my favorite year of all time. After all it was last year that I discovered the one thing I now know I can't live without: Paris Hilton.

Paris is the ultimate media whore. My friend and I had a Simple Life marathon party last week and couldn’t believe just how flawless she was. For those of you who don’t know, Paris and her best friend Nicole gave up their credit cards, cell phones, and city life for month long stay on a farm, just to prove to their friends that they could. Does it sound frivolous and totally attention worthy? It sure is!

It’s worth it just to watch Nicole yell, "Move your fat asses!" to the cattle. That moment rivals her conversations with the old women in their quilting cirlce. She asked them if they had any hot grandsons. "Tell them we’re in town! We’ll only be here for three more weeks." Nicole of course said this after she asked why the old women why they didn’t think about using a graffiti style painting method on the quilt that they were helping to create.

But back to Paris … as the ultimate media whore (watch your ass JLo) she mysteriously got caught in a sex video days before her show’s premiere. Now, anyone who’s watched the show knows that Paris flashes her ass almost daily in those skimpy outfits around the farm. Who else would wear Jimmy Choo shoes and a short Gucci skirt on a farm ? A sex video is but a hop skip and jump away from that, or rather a slam, slap, and a bump.

This video is very important, more so than the next presidential election, so lets look at very closely. There are three things you should know, first, the guy slamming her in the video asks, "Am I in the frame?"

"No! Only me!" is her response.

I love her! We’re so alike, I would do the exact same thing! The next thing you need to know is that she answers the phone during said fuck. Can you imagine? She’s getting slammed from behind and she has the nerve the answer her phone and chit-chat like nothing was even happening. I’ve got to try that sometime, she’s so ahead of her time.

The last thing you need to know is that she trims her crotch, but not very well. Could she be starting a new fad? We’ll have to wait and see if it catches on because honestly, if you’re going to spend six figures a year getting flawless multi-colored blonde highlights, why not also highlight your bacon strip, too?

In honor of Paris, let's shamelessly self-promote me now. Everyone who reads Cybersocket needs to pick up a copy this month. My blog made the "Best of the Blogs" column along with a huge color photo of my beautiful face. Sigh…I’m so beautiful. Every month they pick a blog and this month it’s all about me. Hence forth, January is now "Celebrate Lonnie Month." You can get me presents, too. How about an Apple iTunes music gift certificate (gift certificates are on the left-hand column halfway down the page) to go with my new iPod? You are much too kind.

So, before I go, we need to discuss today’s lesson taught by Paris Hilton: "You can be a total whore as long as you stay true to yourself." Hm, or maybe "You can take the girl out of Hollywood, but you can’t take the wood out of the girl." I really can’t remember which it was because I answered my phone when she was talking to me.