  |
   |
|
|
|
|
|||
|
|
THE COMPLETE FAGGOTS GUIDE:
|
|||
 |
"I'm handling this the same way I dealt with my own drug and
alcohol problem … with lies and delusion."
-Jerri Blank from season one of Strangers with Candy
When it comes to DVD parties, none throw them better than my friend Robert.
In fact, his Buffy parties are famed throughout Phoenix, and
I’m always honored to be invited. (The best part is the free beer!)
Robert says that no DVD party is worth going to without a little Grey
Goose or Michelob mixed with a drinking game. Plus, it gives new people
something to look forward to and it brings out their slutty side (reminder:
invite cute guys). For instance, during the Buffy, season three
DVD release party, partygoers were required to drink at any of these moments:
when Buffy killed a vampire and said vampire exploded into dust,
Giles took off his glasses, or
anyone referred to the "Scoopy Gang"
For my own Strangers with Candy party, we drank whenever
Jerri said an oxymoron,
anytime someone muttered a racial slur,
whenever she mentioned her age (an ever changing number that fluctuated
both forwards and backwards), and
anytime Jerri yelled "I’VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!"
whenever her best friend Orlando’s was referred to as monkeys
"I’ve always been a sucker for the spic food."
-Jerri Blank from season one of Strangers with Candy
There should always be food, usually more than one kind, since these marathons often run into two or three meal times. Pick a theme from the show or supply general beer food. Again, at my Strangers with Candy party we ate hot fruit served in a huge bowl accompanied with glint (J-ello packaged into little plastic bags). Pizza also works well, although in a West Wing marathon try to be a bit more upscale (Pazones?).
"Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back."
-Derrick from season one of Strangers with Candy
There has to be passion at these events, since your evil motive is to get your friends hooked on the crack that is your own 22 hour DVD gift sets. Merce, a well known release party enthuse loves that his host knows all about the show including back-story and spoilers. Once again, Robert is the king of Buffy knowledge and gladly walked anyone through the entire first three seasons. He’s a god and you just can’t buy that kind of shit.
"Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white
skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts
to their monkey gods."
-Jerri Blank from season one of Strangers with Candy
Diversity is a wanted quality when inviting guests. Try to find people who love the series already and will bring a new perspective to the show. And make them bring hot Latinos. But also invite people who might like the show’s complex characters and intriguing plot twists. And have them bring hot Asian/Caucasian baseball players with green eyes and huge cocks. Again, diversity is a good thing.
"95% of debating is physical appearance. It's not what you say,
it's how you look saying it."
-Professor Noblet from season one of Strangers with Candy
Finally, always, I repeat always look better than anyone else. But that’s a given.
"Is that how they say ‘Hi!’ in Whoreville?"
-Jerri Blank from season one of Strangers with Candy
You must also have a theme. For instance, have all your guests wear a flawless wig from the season of Alias you’re going to watch. At my House-Warming–Legally-Blonde-Pink Party everyone was required to wear something pink. Go all out to make your guests feel less subconscious about wearing that pink Prada bag with matching pink Jimmy Cho shoes you suggested while shopping last weekend.
"Even though she's very hungry...
she eats just like a bird...
By a bird I mean one of the small ones.
Not like a pelican who eats a lot.
Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat."
-Theme music from an episode of Stragers with Candy
And tell them they don’t look fat. I know you made a funny face when they showed up at your door but that was because they all have horrendous tan lines and you’re perfect, just like Hillary Duff. Suggest a tanning package but let them know that in winter your salon is completely booked and because it’s also the busiest time of the year for bikini waxes. They need to know that kind of stuff and someone had to break it to them.
"This second time through high school, I'm a little wiser. I'm
still doing the wrong things, but at least I'm doing them the right way."
-Jerri Blank from season one of Strangers with Candy
You now have the knowledge to throw your own successful DVD party. Have fun and remember "I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. Then I laughed ... really hard." Have a happy holiday and throw a party so someone will watch that Strangers with Candy season two or Family Guy season one DVD set you just scored for Christmas. Besides, then you’ll have someone to share all the sick jokes from the show:
"When you work from your home
and johns call on the phone
you're a call girl.
When you walk ‘til you limp
and give a cut to a pimp
you’re a street whore.
When they're beggin’ you "please"
to get down on your knees
near their groinage
Excusa me,
but you see,
don't you touch
where they pee
without coinage
When I straddle and squat
to show you my…"
-Jerri Blank from season one of Strangers with Candy
 |