Yesterday was a day of thanks. Thank you Michael, Jason, Mario, Merce,
and Mekahlo for a wonderful Thanksgiving. I seriously have the coolest
friends. Plus, none of them made me watch five hours of football —
five agonizing hours of football.
I could spend those five hours doing something more productive. So here’s
an overview of how to spend five hours without football, as performed
on November 27, 2003.
Call your mom, she worries about you.
Make enough mashed potatoes to feed a small third world country.
Take a photo of those mashed potatoes, they’re beautiful! Get
a close-up.
Dance to Missy Elliot’s "4 My People." Lip synch when
possible.
Play electronic Catch Phrase with 22 people. Use Mardi Gras beads
to help denote one team of drunks.
Eat the husk off a tamale…very slowly. Okay, don’t really
do this, no one eats the wrappers. People who grew up eating them know
that. Don’t feel bad for not knowing.
Hide your valuables in a bag in your friend’s room. They’ll
be drunk later anyway, no one will ever find it.
Remind yourself how clever you are hiding your things.
Include your keys in that hidden bag for safekeeping.
Make the ultimate argument over who loved Jean Grey first.
Talk on the phone while playing Catch Phrase. Piss of your team and
alienate yourself from new friends.
Pull down miniature dogs from the window attempting to escape a room
full of alcohol and people dancing to Missy Elliot’s "4 My
People."
In limited seating areas, mark your territory with a full plate of
food. Appear to eat from this plate of food, but never make a dent in
it. Use it as place saver for when you have to go to the bathroom. Remind
yourself how clever you are.
Lie on a rug that smells like urine. Pick up the scent on your shirt.
Remind yourself how dumb your are.
Excuse yourself to the bathroom and spray your urine smelling shirt
with Issey Miyake.Remind yourself how smart you are.
Watch Blind Date Uncensored. Realize that people are idiots.
There are cameras in the limo, if you have sex in it, don’t think
you won’t end up on the DVD. And every horny guy who loves soft
porn will buy it! When on Blind Date, don’t
wear boxer shorts that have brown stains on the ass — you stupid
moron.
Steal chili to take home. Steal extra sodas, too.
Pass out at 7:30pm. Run to your room (the one with my backpack in
it) after your friends cover you in whipped cream. Lock your door and
pass out again.
Attempt to break into said room. Fail horribly.
Find the guy who’s been in a frat. Have him pick the lock of
your drunken friend’s room with a bobby pin to get your keys.
Have tea and "kwah-fee" with people you love. Notice the
Bostonian accent they have when they get tired.
Realize that the quieter you with your friends in discussions about
sex really means you’re a big ol’ slut. I mean, I was tired.
Try to go home, but get wrapped up in conversation with amazing friends.
Go home.
Almost fall asleep twice while driving home.
Read a book.
Attempt to watch that episode of Ellen you taped today.
Realize that at no time during your day were you exposed to football,
but you just recorded five hours of it instead of Ellen.
Cuss.
Watch some porn.
Pass out.
This year, I had an amazing Thanksgiving. I realized just how painful
football is to watch. Being yourself and spending time doing the things
you love with people you love is far more important. So for the fist time,
my turkey day wasn’t about some trivial game I cared nothing for,
but about spending time with those I love — and porn. And that’s
really what’s important.
