Life Lessons from Britney Spears

November 24, 2003 | 8:55pm

Fuck the critics who say Britney sucks or that her new album is overproduced fluff. She’s only the word’s most popular star, her album has to be somewhat moving for her to be so famous. So let’s take a closer look at "In The Zone" and see what we can learn from Miss Spears’s twenty-two years of existence. Granted, some of the tracks have been over-hyped and over publicized so let’s focus on the less popular ones. And feel free to touch yourself at any time during this blog or while listening to the album.

Track 2: (I Got That) Boom Boom

This track has a leather meets lace type of groove. A few years ago mash-ups were really popular. What’s a mash-up you ask? Basically, some kid in Bumsville, Idaho would take a song like "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and lay the lyrics over some hard core rap song from Wu Tang. The final creation was a sweet voice floating over a don’t-fuck-with-me beat. In short, mash-ups kick ass. Here, Britney has learned that she can make the mash-up herself and give the public something they would’ve made anyway. This song teaches us that contrasting forces are beautiful when used to compliment and complete one another. Oh, and it’s obviously about sex, too but so is Track 3.

If this song were a movie, it would be 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Track 3: Showdown

There’s no way to hide my bias for this song, it’s my favorite right now (8:56pm). Anyone who’s had make up sex knows how hot and gratifying it is. But it’s so fulfilling because you realize what you have after you lose it. Make up sex is wonderful, but it’s short lived. Hence, Track 4…

If this song were a movie, it would be Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.

Track 4: Breathe On Me

Don’t grab my dick. I just met you and, uh don’t you know what foreplay is? I pity the unfortunate soul who can’t kiss or breathe heavily worth a damn. Anyone who can get me off on foreplay alone is a god. Hear me? A god! This kind of sex is twice as good as make up sex and you can cum for weeks at a time without substantial recovery period. Sex is guaranteed to burn up a plethora of calories, how’s that for The Zone diet!

If this song were a movie, it would be Orlando Bloom. I mean…Pirates of the Ca…oh fuck it, Orlando Bloom is the only reason I’ll drop sixteen dollars to see two movies at full price this year. He’s an addiction of mine, and speaking of addiction…

Track 6: Toxic

Did you ever love something that you were completely blindsided by it and nothing else mattered? Of course you have, that’s why you keep coming back to read my blog. It’s like cocain for you, isn’t it? Be honest with yourself. I’ll wait. Track 6 is all about addiction. We know something’s bad for us but we just can’t help it. By the way, masturbation does not fit in this category, see Track 8.

If this song were a movie, it would be Kill Bill, volume 1.

Track 8: Touch Of My Hand

Know thyself. In fact, just go ahead and touch thyself why you’re at it. This song is all about masturbation, yeah masturbation. If you learn anything from Britney, it’s this: fish are friends. Wait, that was Finding Nemo. What I mean to say is: fingers are friends. This is only going to get worse, I have the maturity of a thirteen year old when it comes to sex. Tee-hee, I said "comes." Let’s get a little more mature, move on to Track 11.

If this song were a movie, it would be Lord of the Rings.

Track 11: Brave New Girl

We all need fun songs to get us through the day. Allow Britney to be a Taoist teacher and you’ll learn to be in the now. Laugh a little. Have fun. Bop your head when you drive and sing at the top of your lungs. You’ll thank yourself later when you can’t bop because of the arthritis in your neck and because the bais hurts too much. But in doing so, remember that we must all grow up and move on, hence Track 12.

If this song were a movie, it would be Freaky Friday.

Track 12: Everytime

This song has got to be about Justin Timberlake. But since we’re never fucked Justin, let’s turn to the lyrics:

And every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me

We need to learn to move on. It’s okay to love and to loose love. But recognize that to move on you have to want to move on. Otherwise you’re just a stalker, which is why I have 33 desktop patterns of Orlando Bloom.

And at night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

If this song were a movie it would be How To Deal.

I hoped you learned as much as I did listening to Britney’s album. I’d ask you to go out and buy it, but since ninety percent of you are gay, you’ve already bought, borrowed, or downloaded it.