A SPECIALLY CULTURAL ARTWALK

November 7, 2003 | 10:04pm

Our world can be so needlessly hateful. We need to establish gay people’s right of domestic partnership and move into a society filled with really important things that inspire us, like art. And why is gay bashing still a problem? From what I’ve seen, gay men and straight men are not really all that different. They both drink and they both love sex. Most importantly, they both love food and free food above all else.

So today, I’m attending Phoenix’s most culturally sacred social event called Artwalk and unselfishly volunteered myself to sample the food at each gallery. As you will see, some galleries go way beyond the norm of free wine and cheese, while others offend the casual walker and provide what might as well be Grape Nuts which is so culturally wrong. These galleries will then be recorded into my book so I can remember to avoid them next time I need a free meal. Artwalk is about the art, and the culinary arts should never be overlooked.

Gallery #1

The table is set up in the corner with an eclectic mix of snack foods. I mentally gave them points for placing the table well below eye level and near the best art. People can talk to each other, comment on the art, or scratch their wire bra and jock strap in the comfort of two to seven people. This can be great when looking for that perfect someone to sleep with tonight who’s nerd chic or just plain clueless about art. Points are given for the bottomless bowl of cheddar Gold Fish.

Oooooo, but points are also taken away for placing chewy bars on the snack tray. Hello, you don’t put granola bars wrapped in shiny metallic wrappers in front of moody dark gothic art. You might blind the girl dressed as a mummy or the guy in a cloak standing to your left. Things could get ugly if he then tries to bite you with his fake vampiric teeth.

Verdict: Cultural failure due to internalized gothophobia and those afraid of shiny objects.

Gallery #2

This gallery’s snack bar goes overboard with its variety of crackers. It really isn’t necessary to have five types of crackers for every brie. Points are also taken away for prefilling red and white wine into small white Dixie cups.

Verdict: Failure. I may be cheap, but I’m not classless. I demand at least a plastic cup for my wine drinking.

Gallery #3

Automatically I award this gallery 1,000 points for having a theme. The snacks match the art! Why not place a bowl of white M&Ms for people to snack on while standing next to the conceptually made three-foot by three-foot block of Aspirin? Well, for one, everyone’s hands will be occupied and then not able to pry the drugs off from the brick. This can only help its resale value, provided that people don’t go back for seconds.

Verdict: Our first passing grade! To stay thematic, it segregated all color and once again enforced white supremacy. Culturally speaking this is wrong, but fuck that, I got free M&Ms and a chunk of Aspirin for free!

Gallery #4

Sigh. Why, dear god, would anyone have water, soda, and candy with proceeds going to the art community outside the gallery, then place that same food and drink inside for free? One thing each gallery should do is check out the other Artwalk spaces and try not to provide the same snacks. We can only have so many cheddar Gold Fish and slices of brie.

Verdict: Failure, no originality in snack variety coupled with donation solicitation. I’m on a free Artwalk damnit, and no one’s going to ruin that for me.

Gallery #5

I love gallery five. I had never been here before but the music outside and the cute guys inside really influence my grading. The band has "porn" in its title and the boys have "fuck me" on their faces. What’s not to love? Besides, the food tray has sandwiches AND politically correct black and white donuts. The drink bins (yay, they had drink bins!) had sodas, water, and beer. I love me some gallery five.

Verdict: Winner! Not only does this gallery add to a culturally rich downtown, but free alcohol, food, and the possibility of oral sex.

Gallery #6

Gallery six is not located within walking distance. I have to take the bus, but don’t fret, the bus is free for this unique event. Having never been to the previous gallery, I walk to what seems to be the bus stop to gallery six. I’m in luck, the bus has already arrived and I don’t have to be a loser and wait twenty minutes outside for the next one. I notice that it says "SPECIAL" rotating around the top of the bus in lights. I’m pretty open-minded and unlike my friends initial hesitation, I’ll willing to ride the special bus without shame. I walk up to the bus, drink in hand and nod to the driver. He takes one look at me and says, "VIP only." He actually gives me the hand. He gave me the hand! Don’t you know who I am? I walk away from the bus and four other people run in without any problem. I’m not allowed on the special bus.

Nonetheless, I feel like I learned a valuable lesson tonight. Culture is the process of growing up and our city of Phoenix is so young. The Artwalk is but a baby step in the direction of a much needed thriving downtown area. And remember, you may not always be special, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have all the free wine and cheese you deserve. I'm having another beer and heading back to gallery five.