LAS VEGAS COMIC COMICON

November 2, 2003 | 12:05am

"Nerd chic" is all the rage in Vegas this weekend. Follow with me (and Matt) as I attend what my office refers to as "another dork gathering" also known as the Las Vegas Comicon.

(A comicon is a comic book convention for those of you who don’t speak nerd.)

9:30am We arrive at the airport and I pimp it over to the self check-in station. I’m feeling a splendid sensation today because I get to reap the rewards of my free ticket from Southwest Airlines. Two months ago I made reservations for the trip to Sin City and today is finally the day I get a free plane ride.

9:35am Nancy, my calm and collected—stone like really—self check-in attendant alerts me to the matter that I must buy a ticket. She tells me I don’t have a printed voucher and I should have received it in the mail two months ago.

9:36am Note to self: I am a dumbass. I look at my printed e-mail confirmation. The first line says, remember to bring your printed voucher used to make the reservation. I feel my "nerd chic"ness transforming into "dork unhip"ness. Nonetheless, I’m given an escort ticket to proceed through the metal detector so I can buy a ticket on the other side.

9:39am My crotch becomes a threat to national security. I put my computer in a tub to be scanned. Computer passes, but there seems to be a potential threat on my body. My nerd chic shoes are scanned for any terrorist weapons. My crotch then sets off the hand held wand. My crotch is then rescanned for terrorist weapons. I can be hard as steal, but I assure you that my gun is not cocked.

10:05am I’m informed that I can use credit from an unused ticket that Matt so graciously volunteered to me. I’ll give him my free ticket voucher when we get back to Phoenix, so everyone wins and this minor disaster is averted. Rhonda from Southwest makes a call into customer service. They okay the funds and she is given a confirmation number. The number G624NB is given to me. She repeats it over the phone to insure accuracy, "G624-N-B as in Nancy Boy. Got that?" she asks me with a wink. How did she know?

10:45am Matt strolls on by with a mocking glance because he can board first. I get stuck with the other smucks in group "B." Luckily, I get an ASU hottie to stand next to in line. I make the first move. He tells me that he’s traveling to Las Vegas for his 21st birthday. He’s hot. We talk for a few minutes. He’s hot. Gloat all you want Matt, I’m talking with another Minnesota boy, blue eyes, brown hair, nice biceps, and a cute ass. My vacation is totally cool so far. He's hot.

11:01am Matt reserved a seat for me on the plan in the first row, yay! It has no leg room for my two carry-ons, dammnit! I head to the back and place it in row 7. This could delay us a bit for the nerdcon. But I stay optimistic because the flight is still free.

11:00am We travel back in time and land in Las Vegas. Running to the back of the plane I realize that my bag has been moved from where I stored it. It’s now above the hottie ASU guy! He reaches for it, when I realize that my laptop is in it. His biceps bulge to get it out of the overhead storage bin and I mentally thank Apple for making my computer 5.2 pounds heavy. Thank you Apple. I wish him a happy birthday and I’m rewarded with a smile, a big white, ASU stud smile.

11:30am The comicon isn’t well attended, but that makes for big roomy isles and almost no lines. The name of this year’s comicon is "Extrosion." What the hell is that? I vow to find out by the end of the day.

2:00pm Tit Alley. All of the hoochie girls with web sites are lined up in a row passing out self-promotion cards. Prostitution is legal here and the nerds seem to be enjoying themselves enveloped in silicone. Male comicon attendees are not generally cute and I’m obviously the exception here. But, sorry girls, I’m just not interested.

2:20pm I cut to row four when I see her and I can’t look away from her nanas. This woman was obviously placed away from the other girls because they can’t compete with her. Each breast is at least the size of my head. Who says comic book women aren’t modeled after real people? I ask for a photograph. She says I can go behind the booth to stand with her. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I feel bad knowing I’m going to post her photo on this website. But from the look on my face of the photo, I realize she’s the one who duped me. Before the flash goes off, she grapples me into her arms and I’m face to face with her breasts. They outnumber me and I smile in utter discomfort.

3:01pm Lunch! Matt and I take a break before we explore the last three isles. Matt notices that I’ve been writing things down and finally confronts me about it.

3:02pm Matt grabs my butt, asking me if I’m going to write that down, too. I say, no.

3:06pm Matt finds a short line for hot dogs. I choose the longer line with pizza and pasta and I’m thus rewarded with the sight of three cute homos waiting for their pizza. One has a sleeve tattoo. Their order is screwed up for the next ten minutes and by the time it’s ready, the cute tall guy is standing next to me. These guys represent the epitome of nerd chic. They’re cute and nerdy. Ah, Vegas.

3:07pm Slut girl from Tit Alley waits in line for her pizza. The men objectify her quietly to the friends around them. I silently objectify cute tattoo nerd boy at table three to silently fit in.

4:30pm I finish walking the isles. There’s an amazing six-foot poster of a cute anime dude in one of the hentai (Japanese anime porn) booths. On closer inspection, cute anime dude has a fat cock hanging down inhis white pants. Cute anime guy is now hot anime guy. Cartoon dude makes my pants swell and as much as I try to convince myself that he’s just a cartoon, but I can’t make it go down.

4:31pm Walking becomes a spy mission as I try to let my obvious "hap-penis" go unnoticed.

4:36pm I enter a retro video game tournament running Street Fighter II Turbo. If I can beat two guys (video game editors from the booth running the competition) I can win a limited edition DVD box anime set. Cool.

4:50pm I study the editor’s game style. I know I can beat him I’ve been watching him play and I know his weaknesses.

4:52pm The current editor gets kicked off by his own staff because his hand blistered 45 minutes ago and no one has defeated him. A new editor takes his place.

5:01pm I sit down at the game console confidant I’ll win against my opponent.

5:02pm I get an ass whooping.

7:45pm We leave the comicon with another dude from Phoenix and get our bags from the hotel baggage claim.

7:50pm Matt and I check in at Excalibur hotel. There’s a homo at the front desk and I feel comfortable asking him about Thunder From Down Under (Australian male strip revue). He gives us a coupon.

7:55pm We find that he’s given us a room with two beds, not the King sized bed we were expecting.

8:00pm New room!

8:45pm What’s Vegas without the buffet? All three of us dine at the Kings Buffet. What’s Vegas without the shrimp cocktail?

8:50pm

Rules for eating at a $15 buffet:

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Walk forward 30 feet away from the salad and croutons. Yes, you’re hungry, but trust me, the grass is greener on the other side of the buffet.
Don’t eat bread, it only fills you up and you won’t be able to get thirds.
Eat all the meat you can. They hide it at the end of the line near the deserts and drinks. This is the greener grass we’ve been raving about.
Sample a lot of nondescript unlabeled items so you can get more of the stuff you like but never knew you liked it. Now is the time for experimentation and culinary alchemy. Mix and match that egg roll and tamale. Don’t be afraid to stick to one pantheon of food.
Pace yourself. People don’t leave the buffet voluntarily. They get removed on a stretcher, or they get carried out by their friends who knew these rules.
Drink coffee with plenty of sugar. The simple sugar will give you the boost you need to walk out on your own.
Pack some fruit to go. Hide bananas in your pants. People will stare out of jealousy, hopefully the cute ones will ask for your phone number.

9:30pm We arrive back at our hotel for some much needed sleep and complicated digestion rehearsals—after we sort through our comics of course. It’s been a good day so far, I got free stuff, comic books, and I got to check out nerdy boys all day long.

10:00pm It’s really 11pm, Phoenix time. Finally, I pass out trying to figure out what the fuck Extrosion means. I still don’t get it.