PATHETIC LOSER SOUGHT BY PRETTY SWF

October 27, 2003 | 10:15pm

Admitting you have a personal ad is a very risky thing to do. It could lead to shame, alienation, and ridicule from your pears. Naturally, I’ve already done it and emailed it to dozens of people. Since then, some of you have emailed me your own tales and are that one step closer to desperation.

So today I introduce our newest section: Dating Mandy.

Much like a porn movie we will be receiving little vignettes of her on each of her dates. The sexy woman in Nashville will talk chismé (dirty gossip) with us about all the pathetic losers she meets online (i.e. Date #1: Mitchell). And not only is she sexy and talks with a southern accent, but she can also be very aggressive. I like that in a woman, in fact over a romantic pizza dinner a few years ago she threatened to kill me if I broke her best friend’s heart. I’m so turned on right now just thinking about that moment. Please excuse me while I leave for some self-gratification and internet porn.

Here’s a rundown of her dates so far.

Date #1 Mitchell
Very tall (6’6", me 5’3") He cut and pasted our pictures together from the website, like we had had a photo made together and emailed them to me right before the date...red flag anyone?

Then at dinner, all he did was talk about how he moved here for a girl and she dumped him. He said he was sending her flowers at least once a week and would take her out all of the time. He asked me if I thought he was smothering her and I said "No, she probably got tired of you talking about yourself all of the time". Of course, I said this in my inside voice and told him that maybe she just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment.

Date #2 Jason
MBA student at Vanderbilt, biracial (mom is Korean) However, he turns out to be

a) republican and b) homophobic

I told him I didn't think it was going to work out since my best friend is gay and wouldn't approve. And oh yeah, I live with a gay man..such is life for Grace of Nashvegas.

Date #3 Andrew
ding ding ding! We have a winner! Liberal, funny, plays rugby, half Catholic/half Jewish, he’s my parents worst nightmare. He's really nice, does sales and marketing for a toy company, opened doors for me and paid for dinner. We went out again last night. We like this boy.

Date #4 Chris
Chris is a mechanical engineer and he’s kind of nerdy, but in a good way. We had lunch last week, but we haven't talked on the phone. He has a dog named tugboat. How cute is that?

Date #5 Barry
Date tonight. He seems to be the one with the most potential, although we haven't met in person yet. On his photo in the ad he’s riding a kid’s ride outside of a store in Mexico. The other was of him and his niece. He's cute, very funny and well traveled. So, we'll see. Let's cross our fingers. He's been in Florida the last 2 weeks on business and is flying home tonight to take me out! Yeah!

Stay tuned to You Yams for exclusive pimping coverage known only as Dating Mandy.