HALLOWEEN CHOICES

October 25, 2003 | 5:31pm

This year I’m going to need a lot of help choosing the perfect Halloween costume. Every year I think I have a costume idea. I do some shopping, but mostly I like to be resourceful with what I already have. Why not use that bunt cake from last Christmas as mashed intestines? Why not use that vintage sports jersey for a demonic Shao Lin soccer monk? Why not use Pringles containers as your Wonder Woman bracelets?

I really try to outdo myself, and for the past two years, my costumes have received anything but the intended result. Two years ago I dressed up as Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray and headed to Mill Avenue for Tempe’s annual block party. I was confident in my appearance until that one kid shouted, "Hey mom! Look it’s Ricky Martin." That Fucker.

Last year, I thought for sure I had it down. Remember Village of the Damned? It was a Stephen King book made into a movie starring Kristy Alley and Chirstopher Reeve. They had to protect themselves from a town of alien children who wore only gray and had gray hair. It was a pretty easy costume to make. Again, I thought I looked liked my intended devilish child villain until my boyfriend congratulated me for dressing old and looking like my father. That Punk.

So this year, maybe I’ll just go to a few parties and drink a little jungle juice. And I’m a lightweight, bantam really, so I’ll have to make sure I only have a small amount of the delicious red goodness. If I have more than eight ounces, I won’t think it’s a good party unless I get in line for the Latino gangbang. And everyone knows that Halloween get-togethers are wild enough here to not only send you home by taxi with some guy named Jésus, but with three STD of your choice. Choose wisely this Halloween season.