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Lighting, the double-edged gay bladeOctober 23, 2003 | 8:41pmThere comes a time in every gay man’s life when he realizes that he isn’t invisible when doing stupid alcohol induced actions like dancing with an erection at your favorite club. More importantly, not even good lighting can help you out of a situation like that. So today, I’m digging into my archives and to release these scandalous trashy tabloid prone photos. My insider secrets will help you look better than you are and how to avoid the despot known as The Disposable Camera. This wickedness has acolytes named Evil Eye-level Flash and the non-tan friendly White Balance Supremacist. Girls, take out those frilly pink pens with feathers sticking out of the top and get ready for a crash course in Fag Lighting 101. Example One: Party Lighting
Adequate indoor lighting takes time. The example on the left uses three-point lighting. For faggots like you and me, this diffused and angled lighting will enhance our cheekbones, while softening the harshness seen to the right. These two photos were taken the same week at two very important gay parties, the first is of course, prom. The other is a Polaroid at my annual James Bond Party, yay! (Everyone is required to come in spy gear, a suit, or goo-goo boots.) Unfortunately, it looks like I flunked our gay tanning course. But how could I? I’m not even tanned, I’m Latino. We thus learn that the best situation—much like an orgasm—requires a light meter that knows how to work it and that the light comes at your face from multiple sources simultaneously. Example Two: The Circuit Party/Rave
Know your backdrops! Here we see that having stark contrasting panels to bounce back the light from behind can help define your image while highlighting those pretty Elizabeth Taylor purple contacts you’ve just been dying to try out. If you’re going to drop $200 on contacts for purely cosmetic reasons, make sure there’s a visual record of your purchase. To the right, we see that not only can a disposable camera completely ruin your skin complexion but that the Reebox logo looks bad on everyone. Bad faggot, bad! Example Three: Morning Would Be Good
Use the morning light to your advantage. When you get up at 6am for a softball tournament in another city after a all-night session of drinking and dancing with the locals, the sun can be your friend. Here the sun is so low that the light is reverberated by the mountains, softening your queerest qualities. By using said reverberation one can actually erase one’s five o’clock shadow, oily skin and un-waxed eyebrows present in the photo to the right. One Final Tip on Photographs:(Taken from Seth Green’s character James St. James in Party
Monster)
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