Weekend Warrior

October 20, 2003 | 8:17am

Today we have a guest show by AJFB. AJFB can be found in the Phoenix Metro Valley when not on tour with his very gay Olympic-ready softball, volleyball, and soccer teams. He’s a true jock but can only be described as "fabulous" and "magnanimous." So cuddle up, crank up "Two of Hearts" on cassette and be ready for a weekend recap about a gay retreat that I couldn’t fit into my schedule. It’s a weekend filled with pink do-rags, grease fires, a dead bird, 20 fags and 46 bottles of alcohol. - Lonnie

First and foremost, I would like to say I’m a huge fan of the show! I have every episode on tape! What can I say, I'm a TRUE fan!

I would like to give a small glimpse of my eventful weekend. It all starts out in a magical land located town and hour north of Payson…

I arrive to find out that I am going to be placed in the fabulous "Pink" cabin. Of course all I can think is "What gay man in America is going to say no!" But then they tell me I have to find said "Pink" cabin. Then I am given arts and craft materials (again, all in pink) to make a flag. Could I have the cigarette now?

The next morning I find out why drinking in the wilderness is never a good idea but always makes for great conversation. One of my friends (let’s call him Wobert) found a dead bird the previous day and really wanted to find it a home. In his small buzz, he decides to relocate the bird to one of the fellow cabins known as the "Black Divas."

Now imagine you’re comfortable and cozy in your bed when all of a sudden you awaken to the sound of a thud. As you look around you see a deadly new addition to your room, how quaint. So what do you do? YOU SCREAM! (Duh, of course. That’s what divas do.)

Next the "Pinks" (that’s us) are in charge of making hash browns for breakfast. We may be many things, but domestic is not one of them. They give us four one-pound frozen bags of hash browns to feed our gay army. So we get our skillets, heat our oil, and start the browning process. Thing are going along quite well until there’s an unusual amount of smoke coming from underneath one of the pans. Sigh, not really caring we continue with what we’re doing.

Then we notice more and more smoke.

We look under the pan to find a small fire has begun. My first reaction is to find baking soda (my home ec. teacher would be so proud!). The smoke alarms has now kicked in and I still wonder, why is there no baking soda?

Finally with the help of some others, we control the fire and the alarm stops. They ask us why we didn’t use the fire extinguisher. I ask if they still wanted breakfast.

Not more than 15 minutes later the burner is on fire again. This time we just let it put itself out.

And that’s just a very small look at my eventful weekend. I hope it brings you as much joy as it did me!

See you booties later!

--A Jealous Philippino birdie