THE PRICE OF PRIDE

October 14, 2003 | 4:00pm

For the second year in a row, I attended the Rainbow’s festival in downtown Phoenix. It’s basically like Pride, only without the cameras and the big parade led by dykes on bikes and finishing with gay Mormons on bikes, shocking I know. The attendance is much larger than Pride, only most people manage to keep their clothes on. And Rainbows is free!

It costs fifteen bucks and up in Phoenix to get in to the sweaty, glistening, throbbing heaven that is Pride. But some other cities have managed to defer said costs through creative sponsorship.

Take Santa Fe, New Mexico for example. A few years back, at an after-Pride, Pride party, the only entrance fee was a simple form…a personal ad. Yes, that’s right, fill out a personal ad and get in for free. Plus, you get another free gift, a code to answer a few personals and check your messages later.

I was scared. What do I say? What do I write? I panicked. Was anyone watching me? What if they copy?

But of course, I took it way too seriously. Every word I wrote was poetry. Every sentence was perfect in describing that amazing guy that is, well, me. Every acronym and abbreviation accurately explains my physique: GHM, 6"2", 160, br/br, 8’ uncut.

Okay, not exactly. Everyone knows people add a foot in hight, thirty pounds of muscle, and uh, a few inches to their manmeat.

Twenty minutes later, I walked in feeling relieved and kind of naughty, but relieved. I cut back on the lies, said who I was and what I was looking for. I was brutally honest, and kind of afraid by it. Would anyone actually call my ad? Would he be some freak named Bludger with one testicle whose former occupation was a dungeon master and whose hobbies include cruising AA meetings, water sports, and gut punching. You know the type, the "I’m cute with a full head of hair but I don’t have a picture" type. Which reminds me, did I even ask about hair?

Well anyway, two weeks later (after my guilt subsided) I decided to call a personal ad. Against my better judgement and initial hesitation I leafed through the Alibi and found "Men Seeking Men." I had read them dozens of times before laughing at all the stupid ads and mocking people’s private desires, often times aloud with an extra fake laugh, especially if I got caught reading them by someone I knew.

And then I found him. God, why didn’t I do this earlier? He’s perfect! He’s funny, he sounds sincere, and he sounds cute! I bet he’s really HOT!

So I call. And wait. Punch in my free code. Punch in his mailbox. 648321 is such a wonderful number. I think I’m love and I desperately want to have sex with him. And then I hear his voice, so familiar and so….

Mine…I answered my own personal ad.

I hoped you learned a valuable lesson, my friends. Personal ads can only lead to embarrassment, losing your dignity and having sex with yourself. I guess it didn’t turn out so bad after all, I mean I was right, he is cute, sexy, and really funny. Plus, he’s always home when I get there, waiting for me in the mirror wearing only a smile on his face.