THIS IS TOUCH SOCCER

September 29, 2003 | 4:35pm

Never one to hide our gayness, our soccer team has pretty much behaved as we would anywhere else. We play with a rainbow colored soccer ball. We wear body glitter and accessorize our ghastly teal uniforms whenever possible.

But we do try to keep our language in check. We can be yellow-carded in a game for cussing. Three of those and you’re out for unsportsman like conduct. So naturally, "Bitch. Shut your mouth!" cannot be used during a game. Nor can "Get the fuck’n ball, cunt!" or "Shit on me."

Maybe we do it because we’re all wearing very intimidating teal uniform assigned to us by the league. What? You think we would CHOOSE to wear teal? Oh, and we weigh half of what any of the other teams weigh.
During last night’s game, one of our very motivated players had a change of heart. He was the guy that got injured even before the first game and was nervous even though he sat out the first two games. So when he got "Kill, kill, kill" ingrained in his thoughts, we all thought it was kind of cute. We didn’t expect him to actually kill anyone, although he did accidentally trip someone.

And got pushed down like a bully picking on a thin nerdy guy with glasses, pimples, and a lisp. Maybe it was one too many after school specials, but I valiantly took the initiative to put myself between my teammate and theirs. What was I thinking? I was still only half his size.
But that’s when it happened.

The smallest guy on our team sprinted onto the field yelling and hoping to do what I did, only his was so much more effective and made them all cringe in fear. His words came out in a low voice booming across the field. His tone was stern and angry and totally bitchy.

"THIS IS TOUCH SOCCER! You can totally do that GIRLFRIEND!"

There went our cover, we outed ourselves in the third game. The other guy got yellow-carded for pushing down our player and the entire crowd laughed with gaiety and glee.

And we may have lost the game (7 to 2), but we got respect. We may be gay and flamboyant and totally fabulous. But we aren’t sissies. Don’t fuck with us ya bitch.
Ta, ta for now.

Love,
Lonnie